A Couple of Basketball Players Talk About Hipster Rap

(phone rings playing Day N' Nite (Crookers Remix))

JaVale McGee: Yo, man.

Michael Beasley: Yo, man. You hear this new CuDi album yet?

JM: Naw, man. I been playing ball too much.

MB: Tyte, bro. I been busy at this place they sent me to. If it sound echo-y, it's cause I gotta call from the bathroom. I ain't supposed to have a phone, so I had to leave my other four at home. One of my guys got me that CuDi record. Dude's on point.

JM: I heard it ain't all that. They saying too much singing when dude can't even sing. And most of the songs are barely songs. I'll probably pass.

MB: You just ain't get it, man. That lonely stoner thing really makes sense to me.

JM: Truth, dog. It would.

MB: For real. Holla at me.
JM: Aight, bro. Peace.

A Couple of Hipsters Play Basketball

In Silverlake...Hipster at the Top of the Key: Hey, "pass" me "the ball."

Hipster with the Ball: Hold on, man. I'm going to try that hook shot Kareem used to do in the 80s. Style was so much cooler back then. Not to mention, I liked Kareem better back when he was Lew Alcindor.

Hipsters in Crowd: (nod heads with arms crossed over chest)

Hipster with the Ball: Foul. Chill out, this isn't a Limp Bizkit concert.

Hipsters in the Crowd: (snicker to themselves while nodding their heads)

Man in Disguise: Hey guys. Mind if I play?

Hipster Coach: Whatever, man. We can't tell you what you can or can't do. That's why we're in this league. We have the freedom that teams in major sports leagues don't have. That makes our brand of basketball a lot more authentic than those sell-outs.

Man in Disguise: Word.

(Man in Disguise runs an offense that no one else on the court knows.)

(Man in Disguise throws a back door pass to a cutter that isn't there.)

(Man in Disguise fends off the advances of Britney Spears, who just happens to be walking by in a bikini, since that's all she wears now.)

(Man in Disguise misses an open 15 foot jumper.)

(Time out is called.)

Hipster Coach: You need to relax, man. If you haven't noticed, we're trying to play with a detached sense of ironic cool. You're playing like a real bro.

Man in Disguise: I have to confess. I'm Luke Walton of the Los Angeles Lakers. I'm just trying to get in shape for the season, and I happened to see you guys playing out here. I got this mustache and bandana so I could fit in. No one wants to actually stand out.

Hipster Coach: Cool, man. We all love your dad. There's a few of us out here who look like him.

Luke Walton: I've noticed. Kind of weirds me out. He wasn't a great looking man.

Hipster Coach: You just don't understand us.

Luke Walton: That's probably true, for I am a Bro at heart. I'll be going now.

-------------

Phone rings playing "Lovegame"...Hipster Knicks Fan: What? Hipster Lakers Fan: You're not going to believe this. Luke Walton just came down to play at Silverlake. Then he left.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Of course he did. It's just like the Lakers to try and co-opt the counter culture. I'm so over the Lakers.

Hipster Lakers Fan: Poser.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Sell out.

photos via CobraSnake, Village Voice, the Dirty, and LATFH

A Couple of Hipsters Talk About the NBA

Grizzly Bear's alright, I guess. If you like glossy production and a complete detachment from humanity. Everyone knows Horn of Plenty is their best record.
(phone rings)
What up?
Wazzzzzzzzzup?

Really? Is this 1999?

I was being ironic.

Yeah. Hilarious, bro.
(rolls eyes)
So what's up?

Just calling to say how much more authentic the Lakers are. I mean, we're even more New York than you.

Whatever. I don't even care. The Knicks sold out when they hired Pringles. The teams with Marbury and Crawford were way more real. Way more street, which is what's important to me. I mean, I love mixtape rap. Plus, you're team is overproduced.

That's what you said about Neon Bible, too. You need to get over that. The emotions are still real. Ron Artest is real. Lamar Odom is real.

Kobe's so contrived it's humiliating. The only worthwhile guy on your team is Vujacic. At least he hasn't sold out. Plus he looks like the dude from Fischerspooner.

You didn't even know about Vujacic until I told you about him. Not to mention, he's gone mainstream. I can't believe how out of the loop you are. You probably haven't even heard of Chinemelu Elonu, who's my favorite Laker.

Sell out.

Poser.

Can you guys shut up? I can't hear this Limp Bizkit record over your incessant blabbering.

photos via CobraSnake and Village Voice

A Hipster Talks About the Lakers

Why am I a Lakers fan? I'll tell you.

When I was a kid, my dad was, like, a HUGE Celtics fan. Like he made me watch all these games with him when I was growing up. He'd always talk about how great Larry Bird was and how he was a "genius." Apparently, my dad doesn't know what true genius is. Someone like Avey Tare or Colin Meloy. Those people actually relate to other people unlike that fascist Larry Bird.

Whatever my dad wanted, I wanted the opposite. He wanted me to go to college, but I just wanted to spin bangers in a club. He wanted me to play sports, but I liked poetry. He wanted me to not cut myself, but I wanted to cut my self. To this day, he's the most oppressive dictator my world has ever known. So I guess that's how I became a Lakers "fan." I mean, I'm not really a fan. I just wear this to make him mad. I figure there's nothing better than supporting a jerk like Kobe Bryant to get under his skin.

Did I see the game last night? No. Of course not. I was listening to my Cut Copy vinyl.

picture via thecobrasnake