An Annotated Guide to Typical Clipper Fans

The above photograph was taken at last night's Clippers game. I have marked it up so that you can understand the different groups of people who choose to attend a basketball game of the worst team in the NBA. What follows is a color-coded description of these various groups.

• Light blue - various Bros
• White - the murderer from Pauly Shore's Jury Duty
• Red - failed central casting mobsters
• Yellow - Band of Horses hopeful
• Green - escapees from local mental institution Shady Oaks
• Lavender - bit players from multiple Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire

While this is only one game, this subset of people is generally the standard for Clippers games. In 2005, members of the cast from Crash had front row seats, marking the first time Matt Dillon has been considered an A-lister1.

Though it isn't commonplace, one actual star was sitting courtside last night.During a brief interview by sideline reporter Lauren Harrington, Cruz was quoted as saying, "ZEEZ ES BALONCESTO?! HOW DARES YOU TELL ME WHAT EEZ AND EEZENT BALONCESTO!! I AM ME AND I SAY WHEN EEZ BALONCESTO!!" Cruz then proceeded to break all of the ceramic dishes in the Staples Center.

The next time you're watching a Clippers game2, keep this guide in mind. And if you happen to end up next to Penelope Cruz, don't forget your ear plugs.

1. Except, of course, for the numerous times people mistakenly thought he was Matt Damon.
2. Never.

The Annotated Derrick Rose Timeline

Since it's now December, and Christmas is fast approaching, I feel it's prudent to examine the origins of Chicago's basketball savior, Derrick Rose. Below is a timeline, along with some important information with regards to the dates that are shown. Study this, for it will be important for years to come.

• October 4th, 1988 - Derrick Rose is born in Chicago of Illinois, in the days of Sawyer the mayor. His unwed mother, Brenda, was foretold of the birth and was instructed to name the boy "Derrick."
• 1988-2005 - Little is known about the childhood and adolescent years of Derrick Rose. However, it is common knowledge that during this time, Rose was given his nickname "Pooh" by his grandmother. Furthermore, in 2006 and 2007, Rose lead Simeon High School to consecutive Illinois high school championships, becoming a hero in the city.
• November 5, 2007 - Rose scores 17 points in his collegiate debut, a win over the University of Tennessee-Martin. This seemingly innocuous event would portend the success that Rose would soon enjoy, as he lead the Tigers over number 5 Georgetown University a little over a month later.
• April 7, 2008 - After an outstanding performance in the NCAA tournament, Rose's Memphis Tigers lose in the National Championship game to the Jayhawks of Kansas. Though spectacular in the loss, Rose is seen as a microcosm of the Tigers' faults as he misses freethrows down the stretch. However, as Rose is not wholly to blame for the loss, he is seen as a beacon of hope for basketball fans around the globe.
• June 23, 2008 - The Chicago Bulls leapfrog eight spots to the number one overall selection in the draft, positioning themselves to select Derrick Rose. Rose's return to Chicago serves as his anointing to angry basketball fans of the city. Upon arriving at the Bulls training facility, the entire contents of an alabastron are emptied upon his head, nearly ruining the contract that he has just signed.
• October 28, 2008 - Rose plays in his first game as a Chicago Bull, forgiving the many sins of the team (Eddie Robinson, Ben Wallace, Tim Floyd). Soon after this historic event, the lame are healed, blind men see, and lepers such as Grant Hill become perfectly healthy.

This post shall serve as a historical document; one that will forever tell the story of how Derrick Rose became a symbol for hope and goodness in the city of Chicago. While heretics will persecute the believers, let it be known that Derrick Rose is real and that he is the way. No man can be perfect, but through faith in Derrick Rose, we can strive to be.

The Annotated LeBron James Late Show Appearance

LeBron was on Letterman last night. So was Barack Obama. Ergo, LeBron got bumped and only was on air for about six minutes. Tough break.

Nonetheless, LeBron made the most of his six minutes by creeping me out with how much he looks like he should be a middle aged white guy. The mustache, cardigan, and hairline that looks receding but really isn't -- all trademarks of the middle aged white guy. For reference, consult this handy guide.

Notice anything else strange? Throw it in the comments.

The Annotated Kwame Brown

Since Kwame Brown has signed with the Pistons, what better time to re-examine his legendary mugshot? I've noted 5 things here, but I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add them in the comments.